SELF, Actually.

I’ve been big into self improvement stuff for several years now, but this year has really expanded my perspective and reignited my curiosity about life — and why it’s so freaking hard. What I’ve learned has enabled me to finally get to a place where I no longer question whether or not I’m going in the right direction and I’ve never felt so grounded internally, especially since my ADHD diagnosis in 2012.

The funny thing is, the answer was in my SELF the whole time (so cliche, I know). That concept has always felt so out of reach to me, though, because I didn’t understand how it worked. The combination of being an empath with an analytical brain has left me in a lot of confusion because my head and my heart contradict each other so often it’s difficult to know which is which, much less which one to follow.

What I discovered this year, is a concept of what my SELF actually is, which I’ll explain in a bit. Figuring this out was like stumbling onto the hidden key to my life’s map! It’s adding definition and revealing connections and patterns within and around me that I couldn’t make out before.

As I use this new key to reorient myself I’m trying something new (for me). I’m using curiosity instead of judgement to drive my logical thinking. I see logic as a simple tool, kinda like a hammer, that’s used to build the framework and spaces for our emotions to live within. There are a lot of things a hammer can do, but what it builds depends on how it’s used. I’ve always been taught to use logic with “my best judgement” and while the intention was good, that combination resulted in a pretty rigid, closed off frame. My feelings rarely made sense within it and it kept me from being able to explore why.

Using curiosity to guide my “logic hammer” is creating a new framework that’s just as stable as the one I built with judgement, but it’s much more flexible. Consciously staying open to learning is allowing me to take inspiration from more perspectives and design a frame that my heart gets to help shape. All my “feels” fit into this new “flexiframe” much more comfortably and it’s so much easier to see where they need to be, including fear!

It’s not easy, but it is incredible and beautiful and freeing and it’s all based in love, so I’d say it’s well-worth the effort.

Exchanging Judgement For Curiosity

First, I had to figure out how to be more objective. I started with making some conscious changes to my thinking to dial down the judgement I’ve been relying on and turn up the curiosity that got shushed out of me as a kid.

I made 2 intentional changes in my perspective:

1. I changed my inner narrative from “Why would they…?” to “I wonder why they…?”. It’s crazy how illuminating that is!

2. No more rationalizing. If something’s not based on unconditional love, I know that it’s not ultimately pointing me to truth. THAT has been a game changer.

Those two seemingly simple shifts provided the clarity I’ve been starving for. I’m looking for the true Love in everything with healthy skepticism and steering away from the “love-substitutes” I’ve been relying on, like competition, perfectionism, validation, material possessions, money, feeling needed… you get the idea. Gradually, the lights are turning on and it’s becoming easier to see where Love is lacking or mislabeled in all kinds of things.

This got me out of the shame cycle I was born into just long enough for me to realize I could get out of it. Of course I wanted out, but I’ve never known how to actually do that — at least not all the way. For that, I’m having to learn how to love myself, which means I really can’t avoid knowing myself any longer, so… Here I am.

The Self-Love Famine

Ever heard sayings like these? My bet would be yes.

Blabbity-blah-blah-blah. What am I supposed to do with that? I keep hearing this advice and I know it’s true, but I need more instructions than that and I need them explained in a way that makes sense to me. That’s what my ADHD mind needs before I can be vulnerable and try to figure out how to actually apply it to myself.

I don’t know about you, but I grew up in a world where there is always a right and wrong; where good judgement is coveted and bad judgement is punished. How is self-love supposed to fit into that, much less unconditional self-love? That’s not even a thing!

Is it?

Who gets to decide what good and bad judgement is, anyway?

The interpretation of what “good judgement” actually is changes based on who is making the rules and judging the judgement. Most of my culture’s societal standards are built upon a single perspective or a consensus within a limited group of people with similar perspectives. That’s created a social climate of scarcity, striving, competing, and doing… ugh, so much doing. I’ve been immersed in a reality where experience taught me that I’m incomplete, insignificant, and unqualified for self-love. I’ve been focused mainly on fixing and preventing mistakes and that approach made inner peace, happiness, and self-love feel just plain unrealistic.

As far as I could see, I wasn’t good enough (whatever that meant) to get to a place of loving myself until I learned to stop messing up (whatever that meant). I know I’m not alone in this because I hear how others talk to themselves, too. Anytime I catch a glimpse into someone else’s inner dialogue, it’s rarely positive. It’s like being able to see a “mass” of shame growing inside them and it’s being fed with all the judgements (homemade, borrowed, inherited, picked up, etc). The more we engage with judgement, no matter where it comes from, the more shame we feed into our own and/or someone else’s mass. The bigger the mass, the less we can see our SELFs.

Amassed Shame Removal

These masses of shame just keep growing because (from what I’ve seen) most of us would rather try anything else than the one thing that can remove it completely; SELF-love. The idea of true SELF-love has always been accompanied by an intense feeling of dread for me because I knew that meant I’d have to be fully vulnerable with someone for the first time ever; and as that someone, I’d have to open my eyes and take a good objective look, observe every last part of my SELF, and accept that each bit is there. NOT EASY.

What blew my mind was when I realized I don’t have to do anything else with the parts of me that I choose not to include in my persona. I just have to acknowledge their existence within mySELF. Then, they can chill because they’ve been fully seen and considered and I can leave them be. All of a sudden, I feel freer to choose which parts of mySELF I want to cultivate AND I get to do it with zero guilt! I didn’t even know I felt guilty about not wanting to love parts of mySELF, but I did — I need to be ok with that being a fact, because it is and I can’t change that. What I can control is the perspective I choose to experience it through.

It’s so daunting at first, knowing that I’m literally the only one that can do this for myself. I’ve been able to get by on external sources of love and other love-substitutes so far, but none of them could reach the really deep, embedded scars from things like poor body image, resentment, and suicidal ideation. Only unconditionally loving mySELF can reach shit like that.

So, I guess I have to face the fact that this means… I am my only hope.

Ok, so then there has to be a way to “activate” it within me, right? Why has it been so freaking hard to love myself for this long?

The Opening-Eyes Experience

Personally, I always get stuck on the “how” of it with questions like:

• Does loving myself mean ignoring the parts I need to fix?

• How do I balance self-love with loving others?

• How can I love myself without seeming conceited or selfish?

I’ve been consciously working on my own “mass” for about 10 years now — without looking. Yep. I’ve been trying to unravel the sailor knots of disappointment, inadequacy, and self-degradation that I’ve accumulated from living in constant, inconsistent judgement — with my eyes closed?! I really didn’t know how scared I was to look at my amassed shame until I had to.

It was more difficult to make myself look than it was to actually see it. Similar to looking at a wound you’re afraid to look at. It’s often worse than you imagined — sometimes better — but then it’s done.

All my fear was based on my imagined reality, so when I opened my eyes and entered back into my conscious reality, fear took a backseat. While my mind was assessing what my eyes were (and weren’t) looking at, that fear of the infinite unknown got re-focused in on the things I can know and it got to be useful for once. Now, I could make some informed choices when that fear propelled me into action, making it productive and creative. I just had to be willing to look first.

Can I Love Myself Yet?

As a kid, there were no discussions with adults, especially my mom, so asking clarifying questions wasn’t a thing I knew how to do. Everyone’s self esteem had to be earned through external validation or they were judged as vain, ignorant, conceited, prideful, even wicked. So, I learned to be what someone else wanted (or more accurately, what I thought someone else wanted), then wait for them to tell me if and how valuable my efforts made me (hello, perfectionism issues).

So, that meant I had to get permission to feel good about myself and I was only getting validation from 2 sources: How I thought I was affecting the feelings of other people and how accepted and wanted I felt by them. Both were out of my control, but the only way I knew how to fix that was to explain my intentions and tie myself and them into knots trying to prove that I was worthy of love.

No wonder my sense of self worth has been so messed up! I wasn’t allowed to have one until I left home and by then, I had no idea what a SELF was supposed to be. Loving myself seemed impossible without risking rejection and consuming way too many potato chips. What I did “know” was that I needed someone “better” to save me.

Again — that turned out to be different than I thought, but that’s a whole other subject.

Ok, So How Do I Know What To Believe Now?

It’s a process (just like everything else), but I’m learning that if something is not based in love and fostering non-judgemental connection, then it can’t bring me closer to Source and it’s not the direction I want to go. The key is to actually let it be that simple.

I recently started listening to testimonies and stories from people who’d had a near death experience (NDE). They say that when their body died, they still existed. They say we’re not separate from God, the Source of all love and energy, we are an extension or facet of our Creator — we all are.

We are a part of our Source, not apart from it.

Well, that was news to me! So, I got out my “logical curiosity hammer” and started remodeling my framework to include this new perspective and boy, what a difference it made!

It’s been scary to let go of my beliefs, but each time I’ve finally allowed myself to be open and ask questions, it’s like trust falling into Love and my perspective grows, creating the room I need in order to give mySELF compassion.

Expectation Recalibration

It’s a lot harder to put myself down when I know that I am a part of God. It brings an entirely new meaning to “I am the I am.” My Creator loves me without exception or condition, so learning to love myself in the same way is a lesson in loving God which is a lesson in loving everyone. How cool is that?!

Putting this perspective into practice is easier said than done, though. I’m no longer ignorant to the fact that I do have much more power than life has led me to believe. I’m no longer just along for the ride, I actually do have control over my perspective and choices. I am fully responsible for my words and actions and the only one that can control them.

This is where it gets really messy for me in “real life”. I’ve gone through enough kinds of abuse and rejection throughout my 43 years to know that’s not easy to even say, much less put into practice. That’s a subject for another day, though.

While daunting, it’s actually quite freeing to know that my “control panel” can only be accessed by me, from within mySELF. I started exploring how this could change my perspective on everything and it didn’t take long for me to feel like I’m no longer operating in an upside-down world that’s keeping me captive. I actually do have a choice in my experience.

I realize, now, that this isn’t about finding something that’s missing in me. It’s about recognizing each part of myself and learning how they’re designed to work together so I can see the full picture.

Recognizing My SELF

So, what makes up my SELF, then? An anagram popped into my head that helped me break this down into 4 essential elements and is now the foundation of my perspective and the key to my life’s map.

In later articles, I’m going to deep-dive into each one to explore how they combine in different ways and how they’ve helped me make sense of it all. For now, though, here’s a peek at how I see each of them operating and the role they play in developing our SELF.

Soul

The Soul is the eternal essence of who we are — a direct extension of God or Source. It is infinite, unbreakable, and untouched by the limitations of our human experience. Operating beyond the constraints of time, space, and form, the Soul remembers our connection to everything and everyone, holding the wisdom of all our lifetimes and the love that created us. It is the wellspring of unconditional love and the source of our purpose, constantly nudging us toward growth and alignment, even in the face of resistance or distraction.

At its core, the Soul is where individuality and unique perspective are born. It provides us with intuitive wisdom and defines our morals — an internal “knowing” that cannot be taught but can be drowned out by the chaos of life. As our unbreakable connection to our Creator and all other Souls, the Soul grants us empathy and a sense of empowerment that goes beyond humanity. However, when we stretch too far into isolation or allow the Ego and distractions of Earth to overshadow its voice, we risk losing sight of our roots and the greater truth of who we are.

Through its interaction with the Ego, the Soul offers higher perspectives to temper the Ego’s survival instincts. The Soul shapes Love into its purest forms, reminding us of abundance and the absence of scarcity in true connection. It works with Free Will to present paths and choices, offering guidance without coercion. The more we engage with our Soul, the more we deepen our relationships and build on what we do get to take with us when we die. By rediscovering our Soul’s voice, we reconnect with the reason we exist.

Ego

The Ego is a fascinating and essential part of the human experience, acting as our navigator of reality, rooted in the physical body and tasked with ensuring our survival. Like a built-in Artificial Intelligence, it interprets reality through the nervous system, brain, and five senses, relying on physical pain and pleasure as its primary sources of truth. The Ego’s role is to keep us safe, crafting boundaries and building an identity that allows us to interact with the world around us. However, its perspective is inherently limited, focused solely on the here and now and often driven by fear. Without the Soul’s higher perspective, the Ego can become consumed by scarcity, competition, and comparison, leading to short-sighted decisions and reactive behaviors.

At its best, the Ego helps us celebrate our individuality and achieve our goals, giving us the tools to build, defend, and create. It enables us to experience the nuances of physical existence in ways the Soul alone can’t, providing a unique lens through which we can explore what it means to be “alive.” Yet, this singular focus on the self can make it difficult for the Ego to comprehend the needs of others, fostering feelings of isolation and disconnection. Its inability to see beyond the material and immediate can leave it perpetually unsatisfied, seeking validation and worth through external means.

The interplay between the Ego and the Soul is what balances the human experience. While the Ego grounds us in tangible action and interprets Love through physical sensations, the Soul tempers its fears with a broader, infinite perspective. When aligned with Free Will, the Ego becomes a powerful instrument for creation, turning dreams into reality and allowing us to fully embrace the duality of our existence. Understanding the Ego isn’t about rejecting it but learning to integrate it with the other elements of SELF. By doing so, we can transcend its limitations and use it as a vital tool for growth and connection.

Love

I see Love as the most abundant resource we have. It’s the material or “manna” of existence from which all things — both physical and non-physical — are created. Love manifests in diverse forms, from challenges to joy, and serves as the foundation of life on Earth. The Ego interprets Love through physical sensations and expressions, creating both beauty (touch, art, gifts) and conflict (jealousy, competition). While egoic Love can lead to shadows and disconnection from the Soul, it is still a vital part of the human experience. By understanding and integrating both Soulful and Egoic Love, we can reconnect with the light of our true selves and embrace the complexity of Love in all its forms.

When we’re distant from Source or enshrouded in shadows, it can feel like love is scarce. But in reality, it’s our perception that’s obscured. The love is always there, like the sun behind clouds, constant and unyielding. Our experiences and choices might lead us away or create barriers, but the connection remains. Recognizing this can help us navigate back toward the light, understanding that love’s abundance is a fundamental truth, even when it’s not immediately felt.

Everyone’s journey is unique, and what may seem like conformity or a lack of awareness from one perspective is simply another stage of learning and growth. It’s important to honor where others are on their path, recognizing that every experience serves a purpose in the grand tapestry of life. By understanding this, we can cultivate compassion and patience, both for ourselves and for others. It’s a reminder that spiritual growth is not about hierarchy but about personal evolution and the infinite possibilities of learning and transformation.

Free Will

Free Will is the most divine gift available. It allows us to choose our own path to understanding love, enabling God to experience reciprocal Love through us. As extensions of our Creator, we choose to live each lifetime on Earth — a dense environment designed for growth and learning through experiencing the polarities of love. Many near-death experiences describe seeing the blueprint or outline of the things we chose to experience in this life, including the hardships and traumas. We choose the experiences that will broaden our perspective and allow us to understand how to love in ways that expand our interconnectedness and consciousness.

Every experience we encounter serves a purpose — whether for our growth, someone else’s, or as a protective reroute to realign with our life’s purpose if we wander too far from the original plan. Even seemingly small acts of connection can have profound, lasting impacts, creating bonds and meaning that ripple through lives. Through Free Will, we navigate a world where our choices and interactions shape both our journey and the journeys of others, requiring occasional guidance from higher perspectives or guardian angels to ensure we remain aligned with our purpose.

This journey of choice and growth allows us to contribute to the infinite expansion of Love and consciousness. Earth is the only place where we can fully immerse ourselves in the challenges and beauty of polarity, in order to gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and our connection to others. Free Will empowers us to navigate these experiences, weaving our individual stories into a greater tapestry of purpose, love, and divine interconnectedness.

That’s a Tough Pill to Swallow

I’ll dive deeper into this subject another time, but I do want to say that it took me a while to accept the idea that I would choose to put myself through some truly horrible experiences. Every one of them has contributed to the person I am today, though. While I certainly don’t want to go through those traumas again, I don’t wish I could go back and change them anymore because I had to go through them in order to grow.

As odd as it might sound, I’ve found a lot of comfort and peace in that. I no longer feel like a victim of my own life because it was my choice to go through it, knowing what I could gain from it eternally. When the pain felt pointless, it took over everything, and I didn’t know what to do with it. Knowing it has a purpose, though, has made it productive and my logical curiosity is turning that pain into perspective.

It makes me wonder why I chose to have ADHD and what I wanted to learn from it. I still have ADHD, but I’m not living life in spite of it anymore.

The Elements of SELF Combined

Each of these elements combine in different ways to create unique parts of who we are. Understanding how they work together can help us step into our true potential. Here’s my interpretation on each one and how exploring them has given me a new perspective on life and my SELF as I knew it.

1. Soul + Love = Consciousness

Here’s where we find Consciousness — our awareness, our “inner compass,” if you will. When Soul and Love come together, we can receive love, give love, and really connect with what feels true to us. Consciousness is the voice of our Higher Self. It’s where our intuition lives, helping us navigate life in a way that feels aligned and wise. When we’re tuned into our Consciousness, we’re acting from a place of love and compassion, not just reacting to the world around us.

2. Love + Free Will = Divinity

Divinity happens when we combine Free Will with genuine self-love. And I don’t mean the kind of love that depends on what we achieve or what others think of us — I’m talking about the self-love that comes from knowing we were created by Source from pure Love. When we connect with that, it opens a doorway to something much bigger. We start to see that we’re part of something greater, and that connection to Source becomes less about fear or doubt and more about trust and confidence in ourselves.

3. Ego + Free Will = Persona

Persona is the character we play in our relationships and how we present ourselves to the world. When Ego and Free Will come together, they create our Persona. Now, this can go one of two ways. If we’re stuck in our Ego and wielding Free Will like a sledgehammer, life can feel disconnected, lonely, and even harsh. But when the Ego is balanced and informed by our higher qualities, our Persona can actually serve as a bridge — helping us navigate the world with authenticity rather than a mask or defense mechanism.

4. Soul + Ego = Identity

Finally, Identity. When our Soul and Ego combine, we get a balanced sense of Identity. Our Soul brings the core of who we are — beyond just this one lifetime — and our Ego brings the experiences and lessons we’ve learned here on Earth. Together, they create a unique and evolving version of “Me”. This isn’t a fixed thing; it’s fluid, changing as we grow. It’s about honoring our true essence while embracing the lessons this life has to offer.

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Exploring this concept is removing so much shame and confusion for me. The more I apply this to my understanding of the way my SELF works, the more comfortable I feel being myself. Once that allowance was introduced into my world, my fear of the world began to dissipate. Fear still exists — it keeps me from doing stupid things — but I’m no longer living in it and that is a profound shift that has changed my world for the better. I couldn’t not share it.

If this didn’t resonate with you…

Thanks so much for staying open and choosing to read it anyway! Maybe our paths will cross again at another time in another place. Either way, I wish you peace on your journey and I’ll catch ya on the flip side.

If this did resonate with you…

I’m so glad!! I want to encourage you to start observing your SELF without judgement. It’s not easy, but don’t let that stop you. Here are some tips from what I’ve learned so far:

• Before you start, prepare yourself to learn how to show your SELF compassion. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be.

• No matter what your path is, look at it with logical curiosity, not logical judgement.

• If you aren’t sure about a decision or interaction, look for the love in it. Look for the inner peace it provides you. Look for what makes you feel lighter. That is how you’ll know you’re going the right direction and makes it a little easier to tell when you’re not.

• Allow your Ego to learn that it’s there to collaborate with your Soul, not compete with it.

• You can’t have this experience without your Ego, so value its role. When your Ego feels valued and is used optimally, it’s happy to let your Soul navigate — which you want since your Soul is the one with the map.

The main thing to remember is…

You can’t earn your SELF; It’s already yours!

Look at it, love it, and enjoy it then see where it takes you!